Potentially Nonsense

No one expects the duckie inquisition.

Category: codependence

NaNoCertMo: Navigating the System

I finished the first section, which is meant to take seven days, in five days. This will eventually catch me up in the class, so that I finish on time at the end of November.

One down. Five sections to go. Twenty-five days left.

I don’t think it’s a surprise that I did this by the skin of my teeth. I learned something useful apart from the course, too. I almost let myself be derailed from finishing. Something is happening at work that I find upsetting, and I almost let that take over my brain and distract me from concentrating on the course. So I need to:
1. Pay attention to when that happens, and figure out how to let it go. No excuses. No letting other people derail me.
2. Tonight, after I’m done, I need to sit down and think my way through why said Work Thing is upsetting me. Because my reaction is all out of proportion. SO out of proportion.

It just dawned on me that this first section is “Navigating the System.” That strikes me as funny, as I’m learning how to learn, and learning how to navigate my new life while I’m at it. Speaking of Navigating the System, I wrote a thank you note to my prior therapist, this morning. We’ve not been able to get schedules to match up to do an exit session, and so a note of thanks will have to do, since I can’t do it in person.

Here’s what I finished between November 1st and 5th (today).

Week 1: Navigating the System – Finished November 5th
32 videos, 10 readings, 3 discussion prompts, 2 quizzes, 3 assignments
1. Video: Course IntroductionNov 1
2. Reading: Navigating Coursera
3. Reading: Program Surveys
4. Reading: Discussion Forums
5. Reading: Get to Know Your Classmates
6. Discussion Prompt: Meet and Greet
7. Video: Lesson Overview and Practice Tips
8. Reading: Windows CLI and Unix Bash
9. Video: List Directories in a GUI
10. Reading: Size vs Size of Disk in Windows
11. Video: Windows: List Directories in CLINov 2
12. Video: Linux: List Directories
13. Video: Windows: Changing Directories in the GUI
14. Video: Windows: Changing Directories in the CLI
15. Video: Linux: Changing Directories in Bash
16. Video: Windows: Make Directories in the GUI and CLI
17. Video: Linux: Make Directories in Bash
18. Video: Windows: Command History
19. Video: Linux: Command History
20. Video: Windows: Copying Files and Directories
21. Video: Linux: Copying Files and DirectoriesNov 3
22. Video: Windows: Moving and Renaming Files, Directories
23. Video: Linux: Moving and Renaming Files, Directories
24. Video: Windows: Removing Files and Directories
25. Video: Linux: Removing Files and Directories
26. Discussion Prompt: Your Favorite OS
27. Video: Cindy Why OS is Important
28. Practice Quiz: Basic Commands
29. Video: Windows: Display File Contents
30. Video: Linux: Display File Contents
31. Video: Windows: Modifying Text Files
32. Reading: Notepad++Nov 4
33. Video: Linux: Modifying Text Files
34. Reading: GNU Documentation for text editors
35. Video: Windows Powershell commands and aliases
36. Video: Windows: Searching within Files
37. Video: Windows: Searching within Directories
38. Video: Linux: Searching within Files
39. Video: Windows: Input, Output, and the Pipeline
40. Video: Linux: Input, Output and Pipeline
41. Video: Windows and Linux Advanced Navigation
42. Reading: Windows PowerShellNov 5
43. Video: Ben First Tech Job
44. Discussion Prompt: What did you learn about OS?
45. Quiz: File and Text Manipulation
46. Video: Instructions for Accessing Linux Qwiklabs
47. Reading: Instructions for Accessing Windows Qwiklabs
Graded: Accessing Qwiklabs
Graded: Create, Modify, and Remove Files and Folders in Windows
Graded: Create, Modify, and Remove Files and Folders in Linux

It’s my first ex-anniversary, and boy are my arms tired

Twelve years ago today, I made some vows with and to another adult human. The vows were real flippin’ easy ones, and they were the same for both of us. They were so easy, and the ceremony was so fast, that the photographer missed the kiss for the first time in his 50 year career.

You wouldn’t think they’d be that hard to remember then, right? Alas.

To be honest, I had originally planned something heartbreaking and angry for today, but after processing so much this month, I just… don’t need to. Thanks for helping me work through so much, y’all. The set up costs of blogging are much cheaper than therapy.

I woke up this morning with a giddy thought. I CAN UNPACK ALL THE THINGS. All the boxes we never unpacked when we moved here years ago, because every time I started to clean or set our home up, I was met with a wall of resentment and silence, and I was afraid of the repercussions of that anger, so I did everything I could to avoid it.

I stopped living, I stopped being me. But… now? I can unpack my stationery and pens. I can unpack my quilting supplies and embroidery supplies and all the activities I’ve loved since I was a wee bairn. I come from generations of makers and builders. I was working in my mom’s wood shop as soon as I could handle a tack hammer and had enough dexterity to unravel rope.

I don’t think I can be me and not be making something. So instead of griping today, and doing something largely symbolic, I’m unpacking. I’m taking up space. I’m going to create. I’m going to make. I’m going to rebuild, stronger, faster, better.

This is going to be glorious.

So that’s why I’m not writing, today. It’s my first ex-anniversary, and I’m celebrating by finding myself amongst the boxes and bubble-wrap. No time to write! Things to do!

In case you could use a smile today, here is my teacup chupacabra in his Halloween costume.

This blog has been taken over by the 2018 Write 31 Days challenge. Here’s the sweet, sweet index of all my posts of nope.

Sundowners in Whoville

This week’s Five Minute Friday writing prompt is: WHO.

I really want to write something about Doctor Who here, but my brain is too tired to be clever. There isn’t enough coffee in the world, after being up most of the night with my Maggie Mayhem cat, who is 18 1/2, and has the occasional bad night. That’s when I give her muscle relaxant, and hold her. The vet says she’s just developed a cat version of sundowners. It’s bonkers. 98% of the time, she’s great. Happy, mischievous, and with a spring in her step. Maybe every three-ish months we have A Night.

See? Tired enough I can’t stay on target. Where was I? Better still, who was I?

Losing my husband to his own midlife idiocy has been even more bonkers than a cat with sundowners.

So many years have been All Him All the Time. Two of those years he was going through cancer treatments, and needed a lot of help and care, so that was as it should be. It was a lot of pressure and exhaustion for me, but he got to live, so it was worth it.

But the expectation that every day be All Him All the Time didn’t end with the cancer being cleared. If he wasn’t the center of attention, if people weren’t waiting on him, if he wasn’t excused for all bad behaviour, if anyone asked anything of him? Criminy.

If I so much as asked him to take the trash out, while I was cooking dinner, he literally stopped speaking to me for a week. A WEEK. He’d come home, glare at me, and go straight into the bedroom. Where he’d stay except for coming out to eat. He was the only one in his world allowed to be a real person, and everyone else was a nonplayer character.

And I went along with it, because He’d Had Cancer and Almost Died. Which was true, but at some point, can’t we start being a married couple again, and not a caregiver and care-ee?

I wasn’t allowed to be a person, with opinions and needs and feelings. I had no “who” in Whoville. I didn’t exist as a separate person.

And I went along with it. For years.

I went along with it, until I just couldn’t anymore. And I got some help, and I tried to get us to a marriage counselor, because me not caving anymore led to days and weeks of him just not speaking to me. The sheets of resentment baking off him locked me up with anxiety. I was on eggshells so constantly it was making me physically sick.1

Who can live like that?

After not having a who for so many years, it’s strange to have one. It’s like standing up and stretching after sleeping on the couch all scrinched up.

And now I’ve gone into eight minutes, so I guess that’s the end. Thanks for coming to my stream-of-consciousness Ted Talk.

ps.

I guess I’m going to sneak this in there after the timer, after all. I had stopped writing, years and years ago. I just didn’t have anything in me to write with. All my spare energy and time was spent taking care of T, in order to avoid his rage. This writing challenge is a tiny act of rebellion and reclaiming of self.2

This blog has been taken over by the 2018 Write 31 Days challenge. Here’s the sweet, sweet index of all my posts of nope.