Potentially Nonsense

Postcards from places I've never been.

Category: Divorce

A sidewinding kite tail, again.

This week’s writing prompt is: AGAIN

I’ve shown up to the prompt, again. I’ve stared at my computer screen, again. I’ve gotten up an hour early to give myself no excuses, again. I brewed coffee, again. I fed the cats and will feed the dog, again. I’ll go to work, today. Again.

And it’s GLORIOUS.

You guys, I woke up on the right side of the dirt, and life gave me another “again.” I used to spend so much time and energy trying to convince a now ex-spouse that time is precious, and we should celebrate at every corner. He spent time and energy trying to convince me that routines and “agains” were soul-sucking.

No, we were not a match.

I like my agains. I like looking forward to Fall and Halloween, and how every new one tugs the previous ones like a kite with a sidewinding, cheery tail. The agains add to the richness of my nows. I like adding to my mental box of experience index cards, and marveling at how things link up. I’m old enough, and have added enough to that index, that I have joys sitting next to PTSD, and that wasn’t always true. Without agains I wouldn’t have balanced the used-to-bes.

So I’ve shown up to the prompt, again. I’ve stared at my computer screen, again. I’ve gotten up an hour early to give myself no excuses, again. I brewed coffee, again. I fed the cats and will feed the dog, again. I’ll go to work, today. Again.

Isn’t it great?

A bicycle with orange tires appears below the word "again." fiveminutefriday.com

Some days are just green beans and mustard, and that’s OK.

This week’s FMF writing prompt is: CONVENIENT

What a prompt. My head’s going all over with it.

The first thing that comes to mind is convenient food. I hate it. I’m no food purist – more than one dinner has been cold canned green beans dipped in mustard and mayonnaise mixed together. I’m classy like that. But convenience food tastes good for a moment, then tastes bad, and I physically feel bad afterwards. I’ll take my I-grew-up-poor-and-this-is-soul-food-for-me green beans any day.

I will admit to having a weakness for someone else doing the grocery gathering. For about $5.00, there’s a grocery store here that will find and bag everything, and all I have to do is pick it up. I only get groceries every 4-6 weeks, so it’s not a big expense for convenience. My anxiety and (currently managed) major depressive disorder salute you, Fred Meyer.

Convenient. When I moved into my apartment in late 2014, the rent was $935. Now it’s $1275. It’s going to $1325 in September, and I’ll absolutely have to move. I’m not making as it is and have sold everything that can be sold, and breaking the lease would be about $1900. Who has that kind of money lying around? Convenient is staying, and I wish I could. I live in a third floor walk up. I don’t have people here to help me. I’ll have to sell what remains of my furniture, because I can’t move it. It’s going to suuuuck.

Convenient is typing my complaints instead of solving them. Luckily, I’ve been working on solving them, to help me get by until my lease is up in September. Again, if it could be sold, I sold it. I don’t have internet or a TV, and I share Netflix with a friend. Yes, that’s a luxury and not a necessity, and I feel guilty about it. The lights are only on when I need them, and the heat is not on. Coffee is rationed, y’all. Not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life. I’ve reopened my Etsy shop in an attempt to slow the sinking, and am listing things every time the sun shines enough that I can take photos. Rainy pacific northwest, anyone?

It’s definitely not convenient to work a full day at children’s services, which is emotionally exhausting (and rewarding), then go home and hunt for a second job. I’m tired just thinking about all the applications I’ve submitted over the last few months. I took FOUR HOURS of evaluations just to qualify for an interview at one of those jobs, then didn’t get the job after interviewing. Not convenient.

I’ve really overrun my five minute limit, haven’t I? How perfectly inconvenient. Thanks for dropping by. Sorry about the rambling rant.

Bats at the umbrella factory

Meanwhile, back at the umbrella factory.

Last May, my landlord raised the renty by $50. On the first of this year, they raised it $85. In September, they’re going to raise it another $50.

I’m deeply tired of renting.

It’s not like it’s a fancy apartment. The only real amenities are that we can hang out in the apartment office and use the WiFi, and an alleged gym with a few weights and an elliptical.1

I need to discontinue my certification goal for bit, as finances are too tight. I’ll hopefully be able to come back it after September, as I’m not going to be able to afford to stay here once they raise rent again. With some luck, I’ll find a place cheap enough to have some financial wiggle room to get back into things.

In the meantime, NaNoCertMo will need to be on hiatus. See you soon, Bats.

Window and Freeway

This week’s FMF writing prompt is: INFLUENCE

Not gonna lie. The prompt doesn’t speak or spark, for me, but the point of the exercise is to build discipline around the practice of writing, to some extent. So. Here I am. Rock me like a hurricane.

Influence. I influence others. I am influenced. The environment I’m in on a daily basis has an influence on my life.

Ah.

There it is.

Living in Eugene, I can’t get away from the noise. I’m sitting my office in my apartment, and I can hear the road noise right through the wall. I’m in a residential area, and quite a ways from the freeway, and I can hear it at all hours. There’s no quiet.

I work in an office building where, for the first time in my entire career, I have access to a window. I work in the quiet, not having to listen to music someone else picked. I work with people who are competent and professional on the phones and when interacting with adopters and sponsors, and who are silly and fun when interacting with each other.

Reader, that environment has changed my life.

I went from abuse at home and abuse at work, to a peaceful home and a healing workplace. I won’t spell it out, but will just say that I’m learning to have peace in my heart, and to feel safe for the first time in a very long time.

Life is better.

The first FMF writing prompt for 2019 is: BETTER

Life is better.

It’s full of struggling to balance two jobs with taking care of elderly pets and trying to squeeze some time to live into that life. It’s getting up at 5:00 and going to bed at 10:00 even when I really really try to go to sleep earlier. It’s that threatening text from the ex that makes me panic and wrecks me for days. It’s struggling to find the calm inside me, even though the path is overgrown and someone changed all the signs and I’m not sure it’s even still in the same place I remember it being.

Life is better.

It’s better than living on eggshells wondering what I’m going to do/say/think/breathe wrong today, and what consequences it will have. It’s better then being locked up in anxiety all day, for days, waiting for the proverbial hammer to fall. It’s better than not knowing if I can count on help if I really really need it. At least now I know.

Life is full of sweet moments with pets and friends and new friends. It’s strung with finding out that I can still feel joy and interest and curiosity and actually am still capable of feeling contentment and safety. In this life there are fumbled ukuleles and long walks with friends and loving texts from friends, and a friend who, every time they go to Winco, plays the claw machine to win me a rubber duck. Life is full of Soon, and Look Here, and Have You Tried This, and Remember Doing This and Yes. Yes. Yes.

Life is better.

Attack of the Needle Organizers

This last weekend I got my hands on some felt a friend was rehoming, and well, I went a little bonkers making needle books. It was fun, pretty quick, and I didn’t need to dig out my sewing machine. 1

I wasn’t expecting it to lift my spirits like it did. I’ve missed making things.

Is it just me, or are reds and oranges just needlessly difficult to get to look right in photos? So, of course, I just had to use a lot of red materials. ARGH. These are in my Etsy Shop if you have any interest.

So here’s to another small part of my life I’m starting to reclaim, post-divorce. I’m tempted to look up a pattern for a felt voodoo doll, but I’ll resist. 2

Digital clean slate

I’m making room for new dreams.

Today I went through my Amazon account, and completely wiped it clean. No wishlists. No subscribe‘n’save. Nothing in the cart. Nada.

I emptied my IKEA wish list. Clean as a whistle.

Absolutely everything is gone that I have ever thought about bringing into my old life. Everything is gone that I dreamed of putting in a future house. Everything is gone that I had put in a list to get my (ex)husband for holidays. It’s completely bare.

It was hard to let go of those future plans. Much harder than I had thought it would be. But now I have a fresh start. Now I get to choose what I dream of. I get to pick my future, fresh from the yet-to-be-imagined garden of dreams.

Then I went to my Pinterest account, and deleted every last board. All of them. Every. Last. One. That was painful, too. I aaaalmost didn’t do it. I deleted my “someday” house board. I deleted my “someday” garden board. I deleted the hairstyles and skin care and DIY boards. I deleted my holiday ideas board, and my tattoo coverup board. I deleted my “want to visit someday” boards. I deleted my “nice things to do for my now-ex” boards.

I emptied my Netflix “to watch” list. Yes, all of it.

In the interests of having more reciprocity in my life, I unfollowed everyone on Twitter who doesn’t follow me back. Ditto Instagram.

It’s like a hunger, now. I’m wondering what else I can erase from my obsolete digital woulda shoulda coulda somedays.

My life has changed, and my course needs to change, too. I don’t want to feel regret every time I look at Pinterest, and see all the dreams and opportunities lost. Clean cup. Move down.

Photo courtesy of Danielle MacInnes

Section 3: Package and Software Management

This suuuuucks. Three sections to go, and not much of November left. I let myself get pulled into taking care of someone who needs to learn to take care of themself. I’m not doing anyone any favors, here.

My ex cried, and told me that, if his girlfriend hadn’t come over last weekend, he “would have wound up in the hospital.” So I let him come over to hang out, and he cried, and tried to convince me I’m awful for leaving him, because he “would never have left me.”

Except for all the times he left me to see his girlfriend(s). And all the times he left me to go drop $$ at the stripclub. And those times he left me crying on the couch like I was dying, and was scared that I was dying because it was my second cancer scare . Oh, and the times he left me after I had biopsies when I wasn’t supposed to be left alone, after.

Yeah.

I know, I know. I am a chump. I went along with it, and going along with it makes my being behind on coursework my own damn fault.

SIGH.

This part of the course is done, at least.

Section 3: Package and Software Management
15 videos, 13 readings, 4 quizzes, 2 assignments.
1. Video: Module Introduction – Nov 11
2. Video: Windows: Software Packages
3. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Windows Software Packages – Nov 16
4. Video: Linux: Software Packages – Nov 17
5. Video: Windows: Archives
6. Reading: Supplemental Reading for 7-Zip and PowerShell Zips
7. Video: Linux: Archives
8. Reading: Supplemental Reading for the Linux Tar Command
9. Video: Windows: Package Dependencies
10. Reading: Supplemental reading for Windows Package Dependencies
11. Video: Linux: Package Dependencies
12. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Linux Package Dependencies
13. Practice Quiz: Software Distribution
14. Video: Windows: Package Manager – Nov 19
15. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Windows Package Managers
16. Video: Linux: Package Manager Apt
17. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Linux PPAs
18. Reading: Supplemental Reading on GIMP
19. Practice Quiz: Package Managers
20. Video: Windows: Underneath the Hood
21. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Windows Installers and Process Monitors
22. Video: Linux: Underneath the Hood
23. Practice Quiz: What’s happening in the background?
24. Video: Windows: Devices and Drivers – Nov 24
25. Reading: Supplemental Reading Windows Devices and Drivers
26. Video: Linux: Devices and Drivers
27. Reading: Supplemental reading for Linux Devices and Drivers
28. Video: Window: Operating System Updates
29. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Windows Update
30. Video: Linux: Operating System Updates
31. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Linux Update
32. Discussion Prompt: What would you do?
33. Practice Quiz: Device Software Management
Graded: Create, Update and Remove Software in Windows
Graded: Create, Update and Remove Software in Linux

NaNoCertMo: Users and Permissions

Can I just say I’ve missed command line? I didn’t realize just how much. I picked up a smattering of Linux in the 90s. Just enough to play and code for a Mu*. (I miss the multi-user shared hallucination, y’all.) Then in my 20s I worked with a mainframe environment, with COBOL and JCL, and also a Unix box. I saved up and got a little house that I loved. I was on a good track. Then I got twitterpated, got foolish, got married, got manipulated into leaving my career (AND WENT ALONG WITH IT. What was I thinking??), and now I want back in. Badly.

The OS class I’m taking is all about PowerShell and Linux, and my brain loves it. It feels a bit like that first sip of coffee in the morning. Like slipping into a hotsprings on a cold night, under the stars. Like a heated blanket when it’s subzero outside.

Oh.

Yep. I’m definitely getting a dopamine hit from working with command line, again. Oh, brain, why? Why? This is hilarious. I hadn’t quite realized until just now.

Artist’s interpretation of my brain. Photo courtesy of Steven Diaz. Sorry, Steve.

Two sections down. Four sections to go. Twenty days left. Infinite opportunities for dopamine between now and then. Apparently.

Here’s what I finished between November 6th and 10th (today).

Section 2: Users and Permissions – Finished: November 10
15 videos, 3 readings, 1 quiz, 2 assignments.
1. Video: Users, Administrators, and Groups, Oh My!
2. Video: Windows: View User and Group Information – Nov 6
3. Video: Windows: View User and Group Information using CLI
4. Video: Linux: Users, Superuser and Beyond
5. Video: Windows: Passwords
6. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Windows Passwords
7. Video: Linux: Passwords
8. Video: Windows: Adding and Removing Users
9. Video: Linux: Adding and Removing Users
10. Video: Ben Life as a CIO
11. Video: Windows: File Permissions
12. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Windows ACL
13. Video: Linux: File Permissions – Nov 8
14. Video: Windows: Modifying Permissions
15. Video: Linux: Modifying Permissions
16. Video: Windows: Special Permissions
17. Reading: Supplemental Reading for Special Permissions in Windows
18. Video: Linux: SetUID, SetGID, Sticky Bit – Nov 9
19. Discussion Prompt: Your File & Folder Permissions
20. Practice Quiz: Permissions
Graded: Create, Modify, and Remove File and Folder Permissions in Windows
Graded: Create, Modify, and Remove File and Folder Permissions in Linux

Repeat: The quick, quick version

This week’s Five Minute Friday writing prompt is: REPEAT.

Hi. My name’s Jae, and this is my brother Pete, and my other brother Repeat.1

You guys. Holy cow. I’ve taken three run-ups for this OS class, and failed every time.

But this time I’m screaming through the class like a Bentley on fire, while “Bohemian Rhapsody” plays loudly in the background.2 I just thought my brain had broken. Too old, too dumb, too much a failure.

It literally never crossed my mind that having my home life constantly filled with conflict and confusion was taking up most of my brainpower, with nothing left over for anything else.

I’m kind of stunned by this thought this morning. I really just thought my brain was broken. And, I mean, I’m not 20 anymore, and to be honest, I was more than a little worried about the dementia that runs so strongly in my family, although I was trying not to be. Huh.

All those money fights, and the fights were partly responsible for my struggle to make a better wage. Life is hilarious.

Life is also more hopeful, now. I like that. Maybe my brain didn’t break in my 30s, causing me to have to leave a job I loved. Maybe things will be OK.